Dreams

I don't put too much stock in dreams. The way I figure, they're just the brain's way of decompressing; but ever since I started taking medicine to help me sleep, my dreams have been . . . weird. Sometimes frightening, but mostly weird.

Take last night:

I had a dream I couldn't find my apartment, couldn't get a hold of my fiancé and I was naked throughout the whole process. At one point, I for sure thought that this was my new reality. I got so lost I somehow wound up in a college part of the town in my dreams, and my apartments aren't anywhere near a college! (This should have been my first clue that something was off.)

At one point in time in the dream, I stole a bikini top and just sat on a curb with my eyes closed saying, "Think, think, think, think," over and over again. How Far I'll Go was playing in the background over a pool party that was happening behind me, and eventually, I got up and asked a man who looked like an severely aged yet still well-toned David Hasselhoff how to get back to my apartments. He told me how, and I started walking. Somehow, I ended up on a bike and was biking my way home (don't ask). By the time I woke up, I had finally found my way home and my fiancé started answering my calls again.

Again, most of the time, over 98% of the time, I feel dreams aren't prophetic visions or warnings; they're the brain's way of handling new information and stress. Not saying they can't be, just saying a majority of them aren't. But the panic I felt during the dream was a panic I haven't felt in a long time. It's the kind that eats at you until you can hear is your heart in your ears and you feel sick, then numb. Thankfully, the numbness never came. What came was a determination to get home, a determination to reach my fiancé, and by the end of it, I had done that. I know the dream came as a result of this new venture I'm on. I'm writing this blog, delving into self-publishing, and starting a new chapter in my life. I am changing. I haven't felt a change like this in years, not since I came out to my family when I was in middle school, and not since I took the position on my current unit at work.

Even in contended stagnation, change is inevitable. Change is what happens because we are humans and we can't stand still. Our bodies are unable to be frozen, out minds forever churning out new thoughts and ideas, our jobs, our home lives--they are always in flux. It's both a blessing and a curse for some like me who find comfort in stagnation. The shift is inevitable. The question is, what will we do when it happens? Will we panic? Flee in fear? Try to fight it tooth and nail only to end up still changed? The answer varies from person to person.

Now that I am calm and can think clearly, I know what I have to do. Even when I feel lost, hopeless, defeated, I have to stay determined. I have to find a way to stay focused. I have a goal. I have things I want to accomplish, and the only thing stopping them at this point are my own anxieties about taking this venture.

Yes. I'm afraid:

Afraid I'll never be good enough.

That no one will like my writing.

That I'll just fade off into the afterlife without truly being who I want to be.

However, as I said in my first blog post, I am done being held back by my own fear. I will feel it, then I'll push past it. I have a lineage of women behind me who became masters at this craft. With my own strength, and the strength my gods lend to me, there will be nothing I can't do.

Thank you, Nuggets. Blessed be to you all.